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After talking to widows, newlyweds, monogamists, submissives, and polyamorists, I realised there is no such thing as too much or too little desire.
During the course of five years of discussions, I overheard multiple different versions of the same tale. Among the chaos of children, dating, and balancing the demands of a career, women's desire had dimmed to the palest light. They didn't do it out of lust, but out of obligation, or out of charity, or merely to keep the peace.
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Liberating the erotic imagination is the source of desire:
Throughout a five-year period, I interviewed 120 women and dozens of sexual health professionals. In the course of my work, which took me from coast to coast, I spoke with individuals as young as 22 who thought they had sexually harmed themselves and as elderly as 72 who were learning how to build tension. I spoke with widows, newlyweds, ardent monogamists, individuals seeking clandestine liaisons, submissives, and smug polyamorists.
I also researched the effort to convince the FDA to approve the "female Viagra," talked to sexologists, went to psychotherapy sessions, and interviewed specialists who blur the lines between sex work and physical therapy. I stood amid a throng in New York while watching a live flogging demonstration in Los Angeles with a group of firmly perplexed sex educators.
A lack of desire is not a sign:
Many people have asked their doctors, "What's wrong with me? " but have only received conflicting answers. "Your flatlined libido is perfectly normal," they were told. Yet a medical problem is also present.
Since female sexuality has such a strong stigma, there is a tremendous lot of debate over what is normal. That is the place where observers have long looked for clues about human nature and proof of the permanent differences between men and women. We are taught that the primary distinction between men and women is that women have less desire.
Yet, it is commonly suggested that women should work to overcome low desire. Several of the women I spoke with sought out therapists in order to understand why intimacy was fraught with anxiety as a result.
A healthy response to subpar sex is low desire:
As the ladies continued to describe their dilemma, it became clear that their waning desire was less a result of bad genetics and more a reflection of excellent judgement. It was brought on by uncomfortable friendships, rote customs, illiteracy, boredom, and the sting of familiarity.
Simply put, they didn't like the quality of the sex they were having. As one lady put it, "If it's not for your enjoyment, it makes the reason why you wouldn't want it."
The most difficult part of leading sexual lifestyles is for straight women.
While all women, regardless of their sexual orientation, experience lulls in their desire, straight women may do so more frequently since their initial wants are less clearly defined.
For these women and many others I spoke with, declining desire was an affront to their identities. It exposed the limits of what they had expected of themselves, namely that they should get married and lead physically and emotionally contented lives. According to a research, their experiences support the so-called orgasm gap, which holds that men are disproportionately gratified by sex.
There is a slight alteration in the scenario when one looks at which women are having pleasure. According to a 2017 poll of more than 50,000 Americans, lesbians orgasmed 86% of the time during sex, compared to 65% of straight women (and 95% of straight men). pondered the origin and intended recipient of their desires.
There’s nothing funny about faking it:
While talking about pretending, comments are frequently funny and depict the issue of female pretending as a blow to the man's self-esteem. He is the one who loses when she lies because her missed climax becomes his loss.
According to a widely reported 2010 research, 80% of heterosexual women and 25% of heterosexual women who fake orgasms during vaginal sex. (When CBS News reported on this study, the headline of the piece began with the word "Ouch," and there was no editorialising on bad male technique; instead, the focus was on the painful effects of women's false "moaning and groaning").
This performance pays homage to the worth of feminine pleasure and the widespread belief that it should exist..
Women aren't searching for a miracle cure
According to the headlines, women's sexual health problems include equitable access to pharmacopeia. Men have access to a wide variety of virility-enhancing substances, but women have few choices. But I didn't learn this lesson.
Although while many women believed it would be nice to activate desire with a pill, few women saw the value of doing so if the circumstances around sex remained the same. A 2018 article in the Archives of Sexual Behavior said that "research has not conclusively proved that biology is among the primary factors involved in lowering sexual desire in women."
The authors argued that desire for women is instead influenced by learnt values, relationship fulfilment, and body image. However the advertising for FDA-approved drugs like Addyi and Vyleesi indicates otherwise, those involved in drug development are definitely aware of these extra issues. The challenge of developing effective drugs may stem from
Sexy ladies in Sexy UnderwearLiberating the erotic imagination is the source of desire:
I attended a SAR (Sexual Attitude Reassessment) training course as part of my reporting. The two-day training for sexual health professionals include a lot of graphic content and are designed to overload participants with sexual material in order to uncover any biases or uneasy feelings they may have.
It is alleged that men want sex but are physically unable to, therefore a hydraulic miracle allows them to do the deed, which is the case with Viagra and its competitors. Although they may be physically adept, females lack emotional motivation, which, well, makes things more problematic. It is crucial to take into account the reasons behind their resistance in that situation.
The erotic imagination must be freed to feel desire.
As part of my reporting, I attended a SAR (Sexual Attitude Reassessment) training session. The two-day workshops designed for sexual health professionals aim to emphasise any biases or uneasy feelings participants may have by exposing them to a wealth of sexual materials.
The presentation I saw had a gay head-shaving fetish, a medical latex trio, and a scenario with male genitalia, a typewriter, and a little cactus. Also, it contained open admissions from individuals whose physical characteristics and way of life don't always conform to the society's rigorously ableist and gendered preconceptions. The chosen word for adults with dwarfism, "small person," was used to explain how self-stimulation occurs when a person's fingers cannot reach their genitalia. It also defined what it's like for a trans woman to have pleasure.
The objective is to inspire participants to seek for things that they are drawn to, disgusted by, or both, rather than just highlighting all the "inscrutable, mystical splendour" of sex.
I don't remember "dysfunction" ever being used in the programming. Instead, the concept of sexuality was expanded to encompass enjoying oneself and accepting others. Low desire was not seen to be the consequence of a lack of sexual attraction, but rather the way that wider societal conventions cause women to hold themselves back, condemn their dreams, cut off what they actually want, and undersell themselves with the idea that sex and love must look a specific way.
Women coerce themselves into having physical contact that they either don't want or haven't given enough time to develop their desires for. I got the impression that almost all of the sexual healing was psychological and had nothing to do with techniques.
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